grinding through

Just getting through week, both going at it pretty hard, lots of things pressing, trying to squeeze some quiet time together. She said we might talk tonight, she has emailed a friend about some advise on some items and wants to talk. I am looking forward to it. We have both been exhausted but she doesn't have to work tomorrow, so maybe she will allow (or demand!) some "servitude" out of me tonight, before/during or after we talk. If not, is okay, just talking will be fine. I am again bursting with submission, so, whatever she wants, she will get!! I hope she will allow herself the non pressured pleasure.

weekend talking

Having a good weekend, doing some chores around house. We are both a little worn out from the week, so Saturday was a lazy day. But, we did do some relaxed talking.

One point that came up was her confusion on the "praise" as she calls it. She seems to think that I need constant reinforcement in terms of "way to go, you are great, you are the best." Kind of like what you would hear at a t-ball game. I tried to explain, that for whatever reason, the reinforcement that I desire is not rooted in that. It is rooted in the mindset that I have chosen to submit to her and that she is able to direct me using that submission as the motive. I don't necessarily want her to just randomly order me around all day. I want situations that flex the Dominant/submissive muscle that is in our relationship. Yes, I enjoy helping out and making her life easier with the mundane tasks, the fun tasks we now do together, trying to please her in little ways.

But, as Ken on Around Her Finger said, ....."The need to be reminded of his submissive role is an integral component of male desire to submit to female authority. It is part of his hardwiring and cannot be short-circuited. In and of itself it accounts for much of the pleasure he derives from being dominated by her. " and .................. "understanding that the psyche of a submissive male is such that it needs reinforcement. This is not to say he needs convincing that his role should be that of the submissive. Not in the least. A submissive male merely wants positive affirmation that he will be dominated and is expected to submit. "

Another wise Lady said "Everyone needs a bit of praise from time to time, but it took me a while in the beginning to realize just how much more intensely words of encouragement and appreciation mean to many submissive fellas. Even more than that, I think, is how much hearing the assertion of my control means."

So, we chat some about how that can happen. Certainly overt sexual things can do that, but it can also manifest itself in non sexual things throughout the day. But, I am having a hard time explaining it in a way that she understands the nature of my mindset in this whole submissive scenario.

So, we enlisted some help with an email, I am thankful she is really trying to understand it and am excited about where we are in our relationship. I am trying hard not to pressure her about it, but to just let her understand the mindset and then she can do whatever she wants. I want to submit to her, I want her to use, perhaps even exploit that submission, but it is not some vision of her I have created that I want her to fulfill. I want it to be her "Domination", not my creation.

So, if anyone has any pearls of wisdom any examples in your relationships, on trying to get her to understand the concept, send them on!!

Well..... she was tired again last night, may have a little bug that is running her down. She wanted to sleep on couch while I watched some basketball but I convinced her to go to bed. I went with her, did a little hair brush, spent a few minutes just rubbing her back and top of legs, put a little soft music on and covered her up. She slept like a rock.

This morning, she called while I was cleaning up the kitchen. She could hear the clanging of dishes and asked me two questions that confused me. "Do you like doing the housework because you like doing it or do you do if for me? Sometimes I feel like I am lazy because I don't have to do anything at home." I answered, "well, both sort of. I don't mind doing the housework and since you are busier than me now, it seems logical. When things ramp back up on my end, I will probably still want to do it. And two, yes I like doing it for you." I tried to explain further and she cut me off. Sometimes she thinks I use every opportunity to drive home the Female Led mantra to her. I really don't think I do and I even asked her if I was putting too much pressure on her and she said no I was not. However, it is my nature to blast away on a concept to her and she gets overwhelmed, again, don't think it is happening here, but I always need to be aware. But, there is some hidden agenda to those two questions that I don't think I will get without another female perspective chiming in to educate me. So, if any of you ladies have a guess, feel free to ponder.

One more thing we discussed. I have told her that my masturbation days are over, that she is "in control" of my orgasms. Now, if it was earlier in our marriage, when I did self serve quite frequently, , she really didn't like it,... put up with it,.... kind of pretended I didn't do it,.... would have preferred that I didn't do it. Now I am not doing it, she does not like the fact that I say "she controls" my orgasm. I told her that I thought it was a pretty special gift for me to give her and that it is made better by her acknowledging it verbally with me. But, somehow, that is a tough one for her. Again, I am convinced it is rooted in some realm of womanhood that I am not privy too. I would love to know the answer, but again, as a dude, I don't see what the issue is. As I mentioned to her, a lot of the joy I get as being her submissive is how things are framed, the overall guiding perspective of the actions I do for her and her response to them, as well as the things she does for me. So, somehow, the perspective of why I do the dishes and the limits on my self pleasure is not quite in its proper place for her yet.

I enter quicksand easily. On one hand I am always trying to anticipate her wishes and acting on them, on the other hand, when I try to use my intuitive knowledge, I hit the roadblock of trying to figure out what goes on in a womans head. She doesn't understand why I as a male, like things framed a certain way and I don't understand why as a female, she likes things framed a certain way.......................Arrrrghh, I'm getting my headache again.!!!!!!!!!!

But, it is all good. She knows that I am sincerely trying, it is rooted in me trying to put her wishes ahead of mine. Because of the sincerity of my actions, she is willing to try on her end. So, net result, we are having fun on this journey together!

darn

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nice night

I gave her a list of bills that are coming up. I have already asked that she take the reins in the financial arena and I think she will do it. She saw a deficit coming up and got worried. I should have told her that those kind of deficits are what I had to deal with for 20 years, but that somehow we get by everytime. But, it will take some experience for her to be able to keep the emotional financial lion in its cage and only let it out when she opens the door. Most times the lion just roams around her day, I hope she can learn to cage it. We'll be fine.

She went to watch a show and came home around 10pm. I was "bursting" with submission, if that makes sense. I finally asked her if I could rub her feet while she was watching tv. She said yes, I asked her if she wanted to move on the couch to be more comfortable. She said she was quite comfortable and that I could get on the floor. I think she knew it would get to me, which it did and even now I am smiling. After the news came on, I asked her if I could stop with the foot worship and head upstairs for a shower. She said, "No, not yet." After a few more minutes, she said I could go and shower. It is probably not possible for her to know what just those two things meant to me. I really like being under her "umbrella," know that sounds corny and not meant to be unmanly, I just love being under her spell and her using that spell on me. It is kind of like another fella said when his wife was playfully interacting with him while doing yardwork,........... "But the more I think about it, the most stimulating aspect was that she was participating in something sexual within the realm of her position in a wife-led marriage. And I'll tell you, it kept my motor running until, well it's still running."

I know tonight a couple of her favorite shows are on, I wonder if she will allow herself pleasure by using me, both in the family room and later.

After the shower, she allowed me to kiss her whole body, eventually getting to her "center" orally, to which I hit the home run and she had the big "O". She serviced me some orally (she does love my manhood) and generally caressed me then announced that she was saving my cum for tomorrow night. She asked me to lightly caress her back until she fell asleep. I need to work on that, I was chatty and generally emotionally excited. I kept spooning her tight, I wanted to be inside her skin, and not just sexually. I chatted too long, I couldn't help it. I need to work on ending things when she wants to, she needs more sleep than I do. It was so good, I really appreciate her trying, I know it is work for her but I hope it is getting easier as time passes.

oops.

I hit the alarm and settled back into the covers. Mistake. she rustled a little while later and quickly got out of bed. I eventually got up after she was showered. I told her, "please don't be mad, I did hear the alarm," half joking of course. It does happen and she knows that 9 times out of 10, I am good about getting her up in plenty of time and I think she gives me plenty of grace. But, I did feel badly about it. She said jokingly, "you want me to be mad don't you?" Well...... maybe.

I was in a funk last night, wasn't too cooperative, though I tried. But, we did have a nice family outing and bite to eat. I did wait for her to go to bed and applied the lotion, want her to know that even though in a funk, I still desire to submit to her, sometimes more really. Over weekend, there were a few times she asserted herself. One time, we were on couch channel surfing, well, me anyway. She got tired of it and told me to give her the remote, with a look like she meant it and was going to see if I complied. I did. We had a minor disagreement later. She wanted to sit on couch and us watch some tv and a movie, with her leaning against me. That is great, but she cannot watch tv with any distractions. So, me trying to get a little frisky was out of the question. Heck, even me playing with her hair is a distraction. I said, "what am I, just a beanbag? I have to sit perfectly still?" I don't want to have sex or get spanked or anything, but a "little movement would not be too bad," I said. But, on reflection, I am going to get better. It makes her feel good to sit next to me and I have decided that is enough. I will be a beanbag if she wants, it does mean something to her to just be close and I realize it now. Now, maybe during commercials.........

I also did a pretty good "oops" at the tail end of our session the other night. Not going to say what it was, all you women out there will collectively nail me. Suffice to say, I, in a moment of weakness, acted like a man. It won't happen again.

I miss her, can't wait to see her tonight, wonder what kind of mood she will be in, wonder if she will be assertive and comfortable with my submission, wonder is she will use and exploit me. If she does, she does, not my place to give her hints, want it to happen because she wants it to. She looked good again leaving, heck, she looks good all the time.

cat's out of the bag

A good weekend, Friday night she was kind enough to allow us a nice time together. She was horny and I did my best, though we did have to use one of her battery operated friends to help her get where she wanted. But that was after a great time of sex where she was kind enough during the session to apply her hand to my backside a few times. It wasn't too much, I think with the kids around, she is pretty subdued with it. I offered to get a belt for her, I think it is less work on her, plus it feels just bad enough to be good. But, it is a little loud, though not as loud as her hand. I don't think she likes using a belt, prefers using her hand, but it hurts her hand more than it should, so, would love to find a tool she is comfortable with. I mentioned a wide hairbrush a couple of days ago, but don't think she remembered. I don't know why I like for her to spank me, it sounds weird, but I feel so submissive, I crave it at almost any time, in or out of the bedroom and for her to bring it in or ask me to go get it, adds to the submission.

Sunday, she finally read some emails I sent to her a couple of weeks ago. She has been real busy. I also gave her the recorded Confessional tape from Around Her Finger. She took a couple of hours to digest some information and I did give her this blog site and tools for posting on this blog. She read it, I think all of it, but not entirely sure. She was going to post something, but when she was working on it, it got busy around the house so she had to abandon it.

She did like the sites listed here, especially Lady Julia's, loved the pictures and poetry.

I love being part of the plan

She told me early last week, that each night, she wants me to put lotion on her hands and feet every night as a "moisturizing plan" for her. Before that comment, I would always try to kneel beside the bed on her side, since putting lotion on is easier for my back when I kneel. Plus, I love the servitude stance on kneeling. But, until that time, she has felt wierd when each night I would be on my knees without a reason. Now there is a reason, each night I am there and if she wants to continue the actions, she can, if not, she can say, "That is fine, get in bed."

This morning, she is doing some shopping. As usual, she was running a little behind. "you have two minutes to get lotion on my hands and feet, going from the knees down." "Yes Ma'am," I love being part of the plan.

Plus, since I am now such a "lotion" giver, my hands smell like gardenia all day. It reminds me of her.

mornings

It's really funny. She is not a morning person, getting out of bed, though necessary, is still a violation. All I want in life is for her to love me as much as she loves the covers. But, it is totally unattainable.

The good news is that I can play around more since she is barely functioning. So, each morning I start off with calling her Master. I know she doesn't want that in our life, I don't either, it is an over the top joke about our D/s relationship. So, I call her that and she is so sluggish she just lets it go. This morning, I ran out early for her tea, came home, woke her up, carried her lifeless body (figuratively) to the shower, where she came to life after about 3 minutes of absorbing the hot water. When she got out, I put her in a chair, gave her the tea and a newspaper, blow dried her hair and put lotion on her feet and hands. I did it like a NASCAR pit crew, made it in record time, did not want to waste her time in getting to work. When done, I let her finish up on her own. If she called me back in, I would have sprinted back for service, but she didn't, likes a few minutes without me in her face to get ready........All in all, it is fun.

There is a double edged sword about the D/s that sometimes is hard to get. She wants hints on what I want because she doesn't understand it all yet but I feel if I give her hints, it lessens the submissive feelings I crave. For instance, I have been a little down the past couple of days, the world is kicking me pretty good. So, her natural inclination probably is to either give me space or pile on some niceness. And that is good. But sometimes, I want her to take me to another place that is not in this world (not literally of course). I want her to take me to the bedroom, be as demanding as possible, use and abuse me. I want to spend all that time serving my Queen, even if my Queen is just using me for sport and fun. For instance, I want her to sit in her chair, watch her favorite show while she is ordering me to rub lotion on her, give her a shoulder massage, brush her hair out and then, and when each commercial break happens, put me over her knee and spank me until the show starts again and then order me to resume the body worship. After her show, I then want her to do unspeakable things to me, the more the merrier, the longer the better. I want to be her whore and slut. I don't want to think, I want to do or have something done to me. I want to get to that trance like place where she is my only focus and not the worlds problems. .................But the rub is, if I gave her hints that that is what I need, then it is not as good because the big draw is that she is doing this of her own volition and not just playing out a script that I gave her. Net result, I want her to think of the service of me to her, and the unspeakables, and to know the motivation behind me wanting all of this. But she has no clue yet the "whys" or the "hows" to get there. But that is not her fault, she is trying, it must be hard to understand everything from a "Dominants" viewpoint when trying to do things for the "submissive." Sometimes it probably doesn't make sense, trying to understand that her doing things selfishly, demanding, bitchy, is what I need, not the nice things one would naturally assume to be in order for someone down in the dumps.

So, of course, this D/s is just as hard for the D, sometimes probably harder, than it is for the "s." The "s" just does the things, the D has to mastermind the whole event.

It is three things, one I want her to read my mind so she can really do what I need. Two, if she really could read my mind, she might find out what a creep I really am and kick me to the curb. And three, the times that I want these are only times I need some extra loving attention, all the rest of the time I just want to serve her and that pleasure is enough for me.

The tables have turned. In past, I was supposed to know what she wanted without her actually saying it. Now, it is 180 degrees the other way, she should know what I want without me actually having to say it.

Why can't it be easy!!!!

ramblings

One of the things that I have read and have mentioned to her, that we think is really a stretch, is the notion that women, just by virtue of their sex, are better than men. I think a lot of women particularly do not agree with this assessment, certainly my wife. It devalues her if she thinks she married someone that does not measure up to an ideal that she set for a husband. If she thought I was a bum (which, by the way, most times I am), she never would have married me. Further, how does one describe the definition of "better," what makes one sex better than the other, what makes one person better than the other? The definitions really are not measure able, so it becomes a moot argument. If you drew a line down the middle of a piece of paper and put strengths on one side and weaknesses on the other, then maybe one can make a comparison. Based on that comparison, I do believe that my wife is "better" than me because I believe that her "net" between her strengths and weaknesses are higher than my net. But, I do not necessarily think that it is because she is simply a woman and I a man. My "net" is pretty high also, I betcha I am "better" than alot of women I know and it wouldn't surprise me if many men had a higher "net" than my wife. But, where the rubber hits the road, in our relationship, is that fortunately alot of her strengths are where I have weaknesses and alot of my strengths are where she has weaknesses. Unfortunately, it took me 20 years of being in charge for me to understand that a Loving Female Led relationship, for us, maximizes the combination of the two of us. It makes the two of us together greater than the sum of the two of us. I was in charge for 20 years and screwed things up. Dr. Phil says the best predictor of future events is past events. So, trying to be a wise person, evaluating the past, just like we do in business, the realization is clear that she needs to run the household, we will be better off in another 20 years if she is running things instead of me. Does that make me a wimp to let her lead, don't think so, it makes me wise I think. By looking at all the variables and coming to a prudent conclusion, we have a sound plan for the future. Now, all I have to do is convince her!!! This is not exactly the marriage model we grew up believing.

Embracing the inherent differences in women and men, one comes to this understanding. If a man is leading a woman, the woman does not want to "feel" like she is being led, but that she is coerced to come to the same decision as the man. She doesn't want to be told what we as a couple are doing, she wants to be nudged into the same decision that the man has already made in his head. Actually, most men will make the decision regardless of whether the woman has objections, because why, he is the boss. And just like in business, a boss lots of times is on "an island" and has to make alot of the hard decisions by himself. regardless of input from those underneath him. That is the way we guys are, .......we follow orders and give orders,.............. is really cut and dry, not much room for interaction from anyone. Is that strength of men? I don't think so, I think a wise man does try to gain insight from others in an important decision, but most of us are not sensitive to this concept.

When a woman leads, she seeks input from others, wants a consensus. She can make the hard decisions, ones she knows will not please everyone, she knows the buck stops with her, but she does try and get involvement.

So, when I, as a man, seek to submit to my wife, I want to do it in an authoritative kind of way. Your the boss, I will give you input if you ask for it, but at the end of the day, your the boss and my job is to do what you say and to make you look good..... Period...... Whats next. ..That is why the verbal ques that Lady Julia was talking about are so important to a guy. We don't want to be nudged, we feel better when things are direct and straightforward. We want our boss (in this instance our wife) to know that we are obedient, loyal soldiers in our army. I will give you my input on matters because I think I have valuable insights, but, at the end of the day, I have chosen personally for you to be the leader...........I know you will make bad decisions but I also know you will make good decisions and ultimately, we will be in a better position when all is said and done.

The kicker though is this. Whereas in a typical business situation, the submissive is paid by the boss in dollars. You get a paycheck. That makes it all worthwhile. Unfortunately, some women, including my wife right now, do not understand that the compensation for me submitting to my boss (her) is not dollar currency, but sexual currency. The more you exploit, use, command, tease, spank us, especially from, but not necessarily limited to, a sexual standpoint, the more we will follow your lead. Hey, I know that we men are pigs, but that is the payoff. Further, we would rather be paid a little bit, all the time, instead of a lot at one time. Exploiting us several times a day for a week is better than nothing all week followed by a great sexual session on Friday night. We definitely want the big session, but also crave the little ones along the way.

I married her for alot of reasons, but one of the reasons is I think she is the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world. No other woman can get me going like her. She consumes my sexual imagination. But, she also hides it from me, doesn't use it for or against me, she thinks that she can only bring out that tiger sporadically, that good girls do not overtly exercise that mindset. But, and I have mentioned this to her before, whether she thinks it is out there or not, her sexiness is out there anyway, even when she doesn't think she is exercising it. Last night, our 18 year old daughter came in with a girlfriend of hers, We were at our sons school ball game and the girlfriend mentioned that John, an 18 year old friend of theirs, thought my wife was "hot." I have mentioned to her many times that she has infamous "it." Now, oc course "it" is hard to define, but she definitely has "it." People are drawn to her, with and without her sexualness. But she suppresses, for whatever reason, her sexualness, especially with me. An example, when she showers in the morning, I am usually around. I get up earlier and am up and running, but I am a pig and I like to go in when she is getting ready, I like to see her naked body, I love to see her blow drying her hair, putting on makeup, lipstick, etc. But, when I am in there, she thinks nothing sexual, she is just getting ready for work and just happens to be naked, it's just a part of life to her.......I mean, to her, she has to get ready for work! what is the big deal? I would love for her to say, "come blow dry my hair," knowing that it is a sexual turn on for me, while all the time I am blow drying, she has a wandering hand that is groping my crotch and playing with my nipples, telling me the whole time how she knows that I am pussy whipped by her and she loves just teasing me. Multiply that type of thing a couple times a day, and that is the currency that we want to be paid in. Know it sounds stupid, but it is the truth, I think anyway.

She still hasn't mentioned reading the blog again, will not make a hint, want her to want it.

Sorry for long winded diatribe. Not meaning all is not good, all is, she is engaged I am just trying to seduce her dominance by my submission.

She put her lipstick and sunglasses on inside before she went to the car. She looked so good I almost lost it! She probably doesn't even know the effect it had on me. Imagine if she did and did that knowing and commenting on how lucky I was to have such a "hot" wife!! ....... that would be something!

weekend

after she came home from a couple hours, she was happy to see that we did get some work accomplished around the house without her instead of just lounging around and then getting to work when she got home (our former way of doing things we are not too keen on doing). But, got some help from kids, got some things busted out before she got here and then continued Sat. afternoon and most of Sunday doing things around and outside of house. I think she appreciated that I was engaged and doing things even though it was things I really don't like to do. But, I was happy that it made her happy.

Saturday evening, she let me do some things to her and then ordered me to do her. She has been having some issues inside her that make intercourse not the greatest thing in the world to her, but she said there is nothing like having me do her, hearing my breathing change and ultimately coming in her. I, of course, want to make her happy, so I obliged :). She even, while I was in her said, "you like the way that I just ordered you to fuck me instead of you just fucking me don't you!" "Yes, very much." I made a point of really trying to cuddle with her afterward, something that in past was not easiest thing to do, but now I try hard to because I know it makes her happy.

Sunday was work in yard and I think she enjoyed doing a little ordering of me. In times past, when I have reached critical mass with not wanting to do anymore, I would retreat and head inside while she piddled for a while. This time I made sure she was done with me and asked if we were done. She told me to do about another 10 minutes of work, work I would have postponed before, but I put my head down and did it. I think she noticed, maybe was even testing me a little to see if I would do it. But, I did, was pleased that I did too.

I asked her if when our work situation stabilized, if she would be willing to take a 1/2 day off each week and just hammer out the bills and mail. It is something I am horrible at and I know she can do a much better job. She said she would absolutely love to do this. I am looking forward to that immensely.

I asked her if I did good this weekend. She said she must not give me enough praise. I said that is not it, just for some reason, I like to hear her acknowledge what I have done. Just a reminder from her verbally goes a long way. She doesn't quite understand that yet. Not that I was a "good little boy" but that she appreciated that I tried to make sure she was in charge and that I was obedient to her wishes.

She sort of asked me if I was happy that I came on Saturday. I avoided the questions, she asked while a bunch of other things were going on and I wasn't sure of the answer but would give it a shot if she asked again, which she didn't. My answer is yes, I was happy, but I hope she understands that it doesn't mean I am not eager to be submissive afterward, or the day or two afterward. I want to get back on the horse as soon as possible so she knows that my attentiveness toward her does not wane when she allows me release.

Would love to have comments from those who wish too. Getting others perspective is really great. At some point, I imagine she will ask about this blog again and I will suggest that she read and post anytime she wants to.

still good

last night, she didn't feel too well. So I just took the opportunity to be unselfish and offered to just rub her back and such until we fell asleep. I know it is strange for her, I have literally told her in the past that just naked cuddling and caressing gets me so turned on that I want to finish. Now I am asking her to let me do it just as an act of loving kindness without a need for reciprocation. She must be confused, I would be. Which does she believe? I guess my answer is go with what is happening now.

I told her I was doing a blog. She asked what was the name...."frustrated sub?" I didn't take offense, thought it was funny. She asked when she got to read it. I told her I wasn't sure. I don't know why I told her. I think ultimately I would love for her to post comments here also, seems like it would be a great way of communicating. I will wait and see how motivated she is to seeing it, not sure it will come up again, sometimes "out of site, out of mind."

I am happy, we are closer than ever before, I feel a real strong bond and I wish she would accept, use, exploit and understand my "servitude." She's working at it and that is good.

She had to go in for a few hours today, again, she looked real good!

nice evening

Had some more conversation before work, nothing deep, but about LFA. Tonight was really good. When we went to bed, we just lounged around on bed, caressing, talking. I told her that yes visually we guys are definitely turned on but that it is a huge turn on from an audio standpoint as well. Not the moans and groans of great sex, though that is great, but the words she uses when she is consciously referring to LFA items is a major reinforcer and it is important to hear her talk as if she is in authority or that I (or my body) are her personal possession. She kind of understands the authority babble I gave her, but she didn't exactly say that my manhood belonged to her, thought that was weird. Oh well, we made a joke about it and moved on, wasn't a big deal, frankly it does sound stupid, but it is the mindset that is the fun part.

It was nice, very relaxed, enjoyable for both. She did not want anything sexually done to her but she did fondle my goods and played with my nipples (which is a huge turn on) the whole time. After about 30 minutes, she said that was enough and time for sleep. I told her everything in me is raging but I will show her how good I am getting at this and we drifted off to sleep (well, she did anyway) with our arms and legs intertwined.

Today as you can imagine, I am thinking of her a bunch. Wondering if we are going to have any fun time tonight.

late night talking

when we were in the bedroom, she said that it has been about 4 days since my last "release" and that she really wasn't in the mood but she would let me have a release if I wanted. I told her, if it is my choice, I choose not to tonight. She had a hard time understanding. I told her, in a perfect world, I would love to be able to give her a release every night and she give me one every 4-5 days. She said that is contrary to everything I have said in all the years of our marriage. It is true, I understand how she can be confused.

So, last night turned into an hour long conversation. she still thinks I am trying to manufacture some kinkiness, she recognizes she is "vanilla," but does not think that is a problem. I agree, it is not a problem, I told her I want her to be the most she can be, this whole lifestyle is about her being just that. I don't want her to be something she is not, I want to submit to her in all her personal glory, but it does take some action on her part. I told her she just doesn't understand the whole dynamic of it, she says she does understand and that I just say she doesn't understand because she is not doing it the way I want her to. Maybe she is right, I really don't think so, but am trying to reflect personally on my end to try.

Again, she is a great person, is trying and we just have to realize that it is a work in progress and she is working at it and I am thankful for that, so all is good.

some talking

I have been trying to be respectful, she is still kind of, don't know, blue maybe. So, trying not to do anything to make matters worse, trying to show support by being close but not in her face. So, when she is leaving for work today, she asks me what is the matter. I told her she seems like she has a rain cloud over her head (like the cartoons) and I was just attempting to be supportive. She thinks it is a scheme or something. "What do you want?" she says. " I don't want anything." "It has been real busy hasn't it?" "I said, yes, but I am never too busy to think of you."

She didn't take too kindly to that. She compartmentalizes. There is work, kids, social, parents, husband, etc. She does not integrate them unless she needs too. So, the husband usually takes the backseat unless the husband fusses, which I didn't. But by me trying to be respectful, she senses resentment. So, if I am in her face, she complains, if I keep my distance, she complains. She said, "you are so much work." Wow, I have dedicated my life to serving her and when I retreat out of respect for her feelings, I am too much work. I told her to have a good day and just walked back inside (I always walk her to the car when she leaves).

This morning, I as usual took the kids to school while she sleeps, stopped by her favorite drink place and got a "designer tea" for her, came back to house, made her a poached egg, took her the drink and egg for breakfast, started on some laundry, and all this before 8am. But, somehow I am too much work. Holy moly.

But, it is not fatal, in fairness to her, she is that way. It is not a bitchy way, she just is the sort of person that only attacks what is in front of her for the moment. So, unless I make a point of being in front of her, I am behind whatever is in front of her. Not the end of the world, she is just that way. I just keep plugging away, she is a good person and I suppose sometimes it takes the crappy days to make the good days that much better. Marriage is work sometimes.

car dealership

I followed her to the car dealership. We were going to drop off her car for some diagnostics and I was going to take her to work. On the phone the dealership told me it would be $22.95 for the diagnostic but when in the service bay the advisor said it would be $99.00. I initially fussed with the advisor for a second but my wife jumped in and said "wait a minute, you told him on the phone yesterday $22.95 but now your telling us $99, which is it?" The advisor said the person on the phone yesterday must have made a mistake, it is $99. She said then, "well, I am not spending $99 right now, I will have to come back some other time." They chatted a couple more lines as I just faded into the background.

I don't remember another time where in the presence of both of us she used the "I" pronoun instead of the "we" pronoun, not even sure she remembers doing it. But it was nice to see her confidence.

We are going through a tough time with our business. So, last night, she was in a depressed, kind of in an overwhelmed state of mind. In times past, I would just try and get into her space and try to coax a smile or joke out of her. But, with the "new me," I sensed she didn't need that, she needed to vent and respond in her own way. So, around 10pm, I asked her if it would be allright for me to just go and shower and get in bed. She said okay, I did, she eventually came to bed and I tried not to bother her. It was not easy but I felt it the right thing.

I know I am impatient at times, wish she would just formally acknowledge and go headlong into teasing/denial, corporal activities and other things, instead of just once in a while, but I have come to realize that she needs to get there in her own time, not artificially manufactured by my little hints and such A fellow on another page said it best.

The last thing I would say is that men tend to be highly impatient when it comes to wanting things how they want them. Getting to a FLR is a process. Allow it to unfold and maybe take some time to marvel at witnessing her coming into her own...and if you take a minute, marvel at your own unraveling as you let go of control.

Maybe she will call today just to have a little playful, sexual banter, to reinforce to me how I think she is wonderful and that she knows I think she is wonderful .........and not for us to try and solve all the worlds problems. She looked so good when she left this morning. I doubt it will happen, but there is always hope.

buddy

forgot to mention. I have asked her if she would think up a name for me that she would use that would be our signal that she is thinking of a Female Led relationship. I have tried to call her Mistress or Madam or Princess but she has squashed those, they sound too silly to her. So, I call her "Dear"........yes Dear, I will....... But, she thought of some but we never really hit on any. I asked her to call me Sweetie but she said she sounds like a waitress doing that and doesn't like it. However, I noticed a couple of times in the past month that she used "buddy" when she talked to me. I liked that! Kind of reinforced that submission thing. So, I made the blog with that in mind. I am her "buddy"! But, alas, when I asked if that was a name she could go with, she said no, it doesn't quite sound right to her. So, back to square one, but she is trying, so that is good.

first post

Okay, first post, don't know why I am blogging, never have, but here goes.

Around Thanksgiving, after hitting and studying some of the Wife Led websites, I became very interested in the dynamics. It seemed to hit home in every aspect of my inner feelings. I have always been enamored with females, especially my wife. We have mentioned on many occasions through the years that "I have a crush" on her. Honestly, sometimes it seemed overwhelming to her. For me, in learning the Female Led way, it seemed to have all the pieces fit together in a way that I could "serve" her. I felt like I was always trying to do things for her but did not know why......this gave me a game plan that I thought would be beneficial for both. I love doing things for her, always have, she on the other hand does not think quite so giving. She is, just not her nature to pick something up for me while out and about, but I seem to have the knack.

Anyway, I found enough nerve to talk to her about this, it was a real stretch for me and I was not sure how she would handle it. She took it in stride, but was extremely skeptical, it seemed like another one of my "grand" plans to spice up our sex life. But, she could not discount the behaviours I had exibited through the years did seem to match up with the basic tenants of this lifestyle. She agreed to "not discount it" but it was not an overwhelming acceptance.

So, it has been a slow process, I am hoping that just through my unconditional consistency she will formally agree to become the "head of our household." She has not as yet but I believe she is getting closer.

After 4 months of consistent actions on my part, though, sometimes it is frustrating. In fits of exasperation I have mentioned to her that I cannot believe she does not fully embrace this lifestyle, the benefits to her are so many and so good. Not counting the fact that I do not pressure her for sex anymore, just the level of unabashed communication that we share now is totally off the charts, never been so open with her and she with me. But, she still has this "it must be too good to be true" mentality coupled with the "I am waiting for the other shoe to drop" mindset. So, I just stay focused and from my end, hoping that the layers of doubt she has will be stripped away one at a time.

So, we have had times that were good, times that stroked my submissive desires. But, she has not yet learned totally that I crave her "authority," that not just doing things for her but the fact that she expects me to do things for her is just as important as the task itself.

So, will keep at it, maybe post when I feel like it, it seems to help to write things down perhaps.