Well, the past couple of weeks have been really busy, with some personal issues and Christmas, we have been just exhausted almost every day. But Christmas yesterday was a lot of fun, most of family around, just had a great time with everyone.
Our FLR has simmered down. I don't like saying it but for the first time in a long while I just haven't felt submissive. So I haven't really shown her any "respect" as it were. I do still try to do most of the things that are just helpful from one spouse to another and I don't think she has felt any reduction of help. But the emotional end where I usually make a point of showing my allegiance every day just hasn't been there. And it apparently doesn't matter to her. She has yet to assert herself when I do not act like I should. And of late, what is wierd is I haven't cared if she did or not. So I wonder if when things settle down she will ramp up her expectations of me back to where it was or if I will just go back to it myself. My guess is the latter. I don't think my submissive light went out. It just went way down. But I feel it is getting brighter again. And she has been buried with work and Christmas and such. So it is not fair for me to point the finger at her, which I am not. Sometimes I feel dumb ramping up my submissiveness to her when she doesn't extract it. But I think that will happen before she decides to assert herself and reclaim her position of authority. I think it is who I am.....
Yes I am still around. We have had a real busy couple of weeks. I do have some ebb and flow with my day to day submission but I never think that I will ever revert back to not being a submissive guy. I think it is part of who I am and I suppose it is about how much my wife wants to draw that out of me is the speed we go. She is not into correcting or polishing or leading my submissiveness to suit her. She just kind of goes with the flow, it is something I have to get used to. I want to be her helpmate, to make her the focus of our relationship, even to others.
No girls nights of late.
I find it is hard to think up things to say on this blog. I check it daily for comments and keep up with other blogs and enjoy reading and learning from them.
So if there is a topic you want me to share my thoughts let me know. I would love to be consisitent on journaling but run out of things worthy enough to spend the time her to document.
We live in an area where kids are not going to come to our door on Halloween. This Halloween was a Friday night. She came home from work wondering what we were going to do. I said, I don’t care, whatever you want. She said she was kind of tired and wouldn’t mind just staying home. I mentioned, why don’t we just have a “girls night” in, we can get some wine, rent “Sex in the City”, put on some sexy lingerie and perfume and lay on the couch.”
She said okay (gulp…..she did?)
So we went out, got the movie and wine and snacks and came back. The whole time I was wondering how far she wanted to go. I do not wear ladies panties because she has not bought any for me or instructed me to do so, so I am not. But I do have some nice silky boxers that when I did buy I said to her was the most feminine thing I could find and she likes. So on with those, she puts on nice nightgown and she did allow me to put on her perfume but no lipstick. And so, we had a nice time, watched the movie, talked. It really allows my feminine side to come out when I am wearing something feminine. I don’t know why I like it though I do. I tried to act like two girlfriends watching a movie and did without being too far over the top.
Speaking only for myself, but knowing I am not alone, my fascination with the Feminine is not a kink, or a come-on, or something I do solely to get aroused (though I do). To the extent that I am able to indulge, I do so because it really "calls out" the softer, feminine side, and make it more comfortable and appropriate for "softer" behavior.
All men, in varying degrees, have estrogen in their systems; all women, to varying degrees, have testosterone. Society presses us into a forced choice of typical male or typical female - when, in fact, there are so many degrees of each between the polarities. It seems it is easier to be softer, less belligerent, more caring, more feeling, more submissive when wearing something so intimately feminine. So it seems it "draw out" the feminine rather than “to put it on.”
It is interesting to note the unfairness that women can wear about anything they like, masculine or feminine, while men are sentenced to a very limited range.
This draw to the feminine side has been an almost debilitating struggle for me since adolescence; feeling drawn to the Feminine Side of the Force and yet being burdened with the alpha male expectations.
[As in: am I gay, am I bi, am I a pervert, am I going insane....?]
I can still be Alpha Male in certain situations and as a submissive to my wife. I do not want her to become an Alpha Male either. I just think it is not necessary to have an Alpha Male personality in either one of us all the time. Sometimes being girlfriends is nice?
Times are different. Our son comes home from girlfriend with toenails painted, mascara on eyes. He inherited my gene it looks like big time and somehow it is not perceived as being as weird with today’s generation. I actually envied him that he had a girl that would engage in that fun, until I realized we as parents are not happy with the relationship he and this girl have on many other levels. He may be submissive but I don’t think he understands the dynamics of a “Loving Female Relationship” that I do as an older man. One who has it in proper perspective and whose wife does too. He is just “whipped” and doesn’t understand the why, just I think that he likes being “whipped.”
Only in recent years have I “given myself permission” [in therapy-speak] to examine, accept and embrace the inherent femininity of my psyche, of my personality. And to a much lesser extent, my wife allows it as well. She accepts this somewhat, though I don’t think she understands it at all. But she is open and realizes that both sexes have behaviors that are just foreign to the other. So for our “girl’s nights” she does what she can to indulge without getting to creeped out.
However, that I try to fully embrace my feminine urges, albeit discreetly and covertly is no more a matter of 'personal choice' than being an American or a Red Sox fan, it just is what it is, I didn’t create it, it just came with me out of the womb. My indulging in the feminine [not effeminate] is just the way I am. And to have a wife that understands, at least to some extent, is really nice. I don’t think she wants to overtly make me do overly feminine things, though I would, the humiliation of it with her would certainly feed my submissive side.
But I can’t push. I am so grateful she at least talks about it without screaming to the world......................... “I have the world’s weirdest husband!”
She had an interview for a new job. Also for the past three weeks we have been looking at internet for a new style for her. I have always been very possesive about her hair. Some men are leg guys, boob guys, butt guys.......I'm a hair guy, just love it.
So before she started looking she was actually looking by herself. I asked if I could help and we discussed how in the past she has felt pressured by me when it came to her hair. I asked her to give me a chance. So it became our project and we printed off possibilities and chatted and couldnt find exactly what she was looking for. So one day last week she emailed me and said that a girl at work came in with something exactly what she wanted. I asked if I could come by and look, but then just said, no reason for me to, if it is what you want, I don't have to see it. After all it is all about you. I think that was a big step, but it really was easy for me, but to her I think it showed more of the depth of my service to her.
So, she actually had a family member come to the house to do it. I was trying not to be too overboard by gawking, so I was just cutting my eyes her way as it was getting done. She would look at me directly with her beautiful eyes boring right at me. She knew I was going crazy and I think she smirked a couple of times at my discomfort. But I stayed in the background. I wanted the focus to be on her and not me. When all said and done, a lot shorter but so, so sexy. She even asked me in while cutting for some advise.
I thanked her later for letting me be a part of it. She thanked me for not going overboard. It was wonderful. Most nights when she gets her hair done we have exciting sex. That night was no different. She actually was in the lead for the session, had me lay down on stomach and wouldnt let me touch her as she moved all over me. I was in such subspace as I have heard it described. Almost in a trance, in a zone, nothing but her was going on. She even blindfolded me and took me from behind which is something she has done before but didnt seem to enjoy it. This time she seemed to enjoy it though I am not really sure but am not going to ask, but hope so. It was rewarding to be taken. She took her time and even pounded me pretty good near the end.
So we are definitely a Female Led Marriage and I am so happy. Not because of the kink above but I think she is realizing that it is good for us. I try real hard not to make it work for her and for her to see that the advantages for her to expect my obedience is an asset to her. I think she is getting more and more comfortable and is starting to enjoy it. It seems to much less work on her part than I think she initially thought it would be and she is allowing herself to direct me in more ways as to what she wants. It feels good to serve. It feels good to be accountable for my service. It feels good to be expected to serve. It would feel good to be punished actually if I did not meet expectations, but not sure we are there yet. But the intimacy we now share is so deep, so loving, so sincere that I truly consider myself the luckiest guy in the world. I hope she considers herself the luckiest girl in the world too!
We had a "girls night in" the other night. I'll tell you about that later.
A question posed by a commenter asked if my Wife was aware of my blog. The answer is yes, she is aware and does stay current and reads it.
She has a blog of her own that She just started that is listed to the right titled "The Mask." In talking we decided that it might be good for Her to start one of Her own and that perhaps people could make comments as She is learning to grow as My Dom as I learn to grow as Her sub.
In fact She has posed a question in Her blog that I think it interesting to all in a FLM. She even asked me if I was disappointed in Her post. The answer is no. I am not sure She is fully aware yet that my desire it to serve Her completely. But, and I may be wrong, I still think She equates the the "kinky sex" with too much weight. I do wish She would exhibit more dominant behaviour but 90% has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with accepting my gift of submission, requiring my obedience and expecting and correcting behaviour that is not acceptable. None of that includes sex. It is a need to serve, a need to put Her on a pedastal and for Her to comfortably accept, enjoy and require that I provide that in a fashion that is pleasurable to Her, correcting and guiding me as we go. I am not asking for role play. I want it real. She has so much charisma and instincts but for some reason I must seem to stifle it when all I want is for it to emerge fully and naturally and for me to be a helper if necessary in Her feeling comfortable enough to do that.
In writing this blog, it is wierd. I want to be able to write just whatever is in my head, the good, bad and ugly. But the risk is that with Her reading and staying current with this blog and it dovetailing with Her blog, it appears that I am trying to script the whole thing. I am not, I really believe that.
But it is a fine line to write what you are feeling about the one you love in a fashion of free, anonymous type expression but to also know they are reading it. I have come to the conclusion that as my Dominant partner, I will just write it with my heart and let the chips fall where they may. This is a situation, though I didn't think of it this way exactly in regards to blogging, that I considered before I approached Her with the thoughts on my being submissive to Her. I knew that there would be some situations where I would have to be totally transparent even if She were to see the transparency.
So I will continue writing the blog with the intent of just writing my heartfelt opinions in a quasi anonymous fashion without trying to clandestinely prompting Her specific Dominant behaviour.
Kind of tough. I am not ashamed to be transparent to Her even though I would not tell anyone in the entire world, but Her, what is deep within me. I love Her and divulging yourself entirely is something I guess which is a catch-22 in love, you want to but at the same time you are scared to.
Hey we are communicating, that must be a good thing.......( I HOPE)
The other night in conversation She mentioned that in a weird way She was feeling giddy because at work a client made a comment about how She was very attractive. Now I say that all the time but of course when coming from someone else if feels different, kind of taboo, exciting, after all She is a happily married woman. The thing of it is, She is gorgeous, She has the good fortune of having terrific genes. She is 45 and looks 30, really, she will attest to this and it is true. So people comment. If truth be told, She is probably hit on all the time and has been for a long time. But as the dutiful Southern Lady She is, She does not want to lead anyone on, send the wrong message and Lord have mercy……not send the wrong message to other Ladies (side note, I have found that the competition between Women far exceeds anything guys ever compete in, and woe be to the Woman who uses her physical attributes for personal gain or pleasure.) It is against the “code” of Women to use something as esoteric as looks to advance in front of other Women. Sometimes it seems the most beautiful Women can be the ones so messed up in the head because it seems they are their whole lives trying not to be a “cheap” girl and use or have fun with something that they have no control over and something that automatically puts them at the head of the line, being pretty.
Some women find their powers of attraction unsettling, even unwanted. They tend to keep the lid on their magnetism for good reason. One is obligation, “if I return the volley then it will seem like I am forward and I don’t want to offend him.” Or “if I respond he will think I want to sleep with him.” Women are raised to believe that the sexy part of themselves is wrong or bad, not the essence of their nature, that that their personal charms are for the use of men and not for their own pleasure and entertainment.
The fact is that flirtation is all about having fun. The goal is to amuse yourself which naturally lightens the atmosphere for everyone. The gift of flirting leaves the giver refreshed and the receiver enhanced. The thing is the Woman holds all the cards anyway. They control the game. They really are the hunters, not the hunted, even when they make it look the other way around. And every guy knows this and is spellbound by a Lady who is in control. A flirting situation never goes further than the Lady will allow, because again, She holds all the cards.
So we chatted, She said She is always uncomfortable, other than a cursory “thank you” which is polite, She never does anything else. She doesn’t know if it is “cheating” on me to innocently flirt. I told her that I just want her to feel good and if something were to bother me I would let her know. She also said that when we are together it can be weird because She doesn’t want to embarrass me. I also said I can take care of myself and if someone goes too far, to the point of disrespecting me, that I can take care of things between the offending dude and me.
As a submissive, it is for whatever reason intoxicating to be in the presence of a Woman who is using her feminine aura and further to know that that Woman owns me and that She is the focus of our relationship, that Her pleasure is my main goal in life. The magnetism and charm that others are so drawn to ultimately belongs to me but if it pleases Her to express it, it pleases me She is happy.
But, as I said to Her, if it is uncomfortable, don’t do it. Nothing should have to be contrived, that is what sends out wrong messages.
Do any other Ladies want to comment? Is flirting wrong? At what point does it go too far? Does flirting in the presence of your submissive husband enhance or detract from your relationship? Feel free to respond!!
Paid for by the submissive fellow who is owned by The Mask. I am John Smith and I approved this message. (political commercial attempt at humor, less than a week to go before the end of the nonsense)