We've had better weeks

Been really a crappy week. I was out of town for three days but had to make a trip unexpectedly back for a stupid thing that is hanging over my head. She was helpful during that day but the event really sagged me, still does.

Since I got back on Wednesday night, she has been keeping her distance, maybe I am and she is responding in kind, I'm not sure. As far as our relationship dynamic, I came back really sapped and have not started doing all the things that I was doing. But, she has not indicated that it matters to her whether I do or don't anyway. She hasn't asked why I haven't kept up with all the things I have been doing to try and further our relationship. I'm really not sure she cares if I do or don't. All of our FLR stuff to date has been me doing them and since I was, she would have to try and work on her end. But, I suppose, if I am not first at doing it, she will not initiate anything,.... she has not made me accountable for my end of the bargain. I can understand giving me so slack since I have been depressed, but she must think this dynamic of our marriage only is in play when things are going good, that it is dependent on outside forces being in alignment, instead of it being a "lifestyle" during good and bad. When things get bad from the outside world, I tend to want to draw closer, to reinforce more what we are doing together as a couple that strengthens our bond, not less. Right now, the only good thing going is my relationship with her and our family. Business, life pressures are at all time highs. So, she feels cornered and it seems her inclination is to retreat and mine is to get closer. Sometimes, I feel like I am more a part of the problem than the solution with her.

But, in her defense, we have not been in a situation like we are in now. It is really hard. She is numb and I am really, really tired. So, even though I think I have the capacity to keep up with my end of the bargain, which I want to do, even though things are terrible, without her enforcing her role, making me accountable for my service and submission to her, it makes it easy for me to get lazy and I'm not sure she cares. Maybe that is easier for her, it is one less thing she has to worry about, especially since it does have a sexual component. But sometimes I think that really isn't a great litmus test, if when things are bad from the outside world, you abandon your relationship work.

But, I can't really judge her during this time. I am probably overreacting, which I have a habit of doing. Pressure tends to exaggerate and inflate situations, and we are certainly under all time high pressure. So, I guess we are just in a "day to day" mode.