Still here!!!

Wow, didn't realize it had been so long. I have noticed a few blogs going down because the fellas don't seem to be getting what they want. I have a theory that it is because they pressed too hard too fast. It is amazing to me how I can clearly see the benefits of FLR for the Lady, but somehow, it takes a while for the Lady to see it. For us, it took almost two years for Her to realize that my desire to submit was not entirely about the sex. I truly wanted to make Her happy and it took that long for Her to understand that by allowing me to submit to Her, it actually did make me happy.

For the most part, these two years of getting to where She is comfortable has been easy for me. My submission is not hard, I believe I am that innately so it has been more of a freedom for me to submit. The time it took for Her to see this and not be threatened, though I wish it would have come sooner, was not bad. To be able to give Her the necessary time to be comfortable is worth it. That is why I think some of the fellow blogger guys have missed the mark. Each Woman is different, but it takes time and when the Women feel pressured on a relationship ideal such as this, they retreat. Again, men and Women are different and relationship things to a Woman are incredibly important and just because I kept telling my Wife early on that She would enjoy FLR, She could not get over the hump until She had reconciled it for Herself in Her own time.

So, we are a full fledged FLR marriage. In fact, a month ago, out of the blue, She asked me if i wanted to do a formal agreement. i said yes. So we crafted up an agreement, did it between ourselves, at the end I knelt in front of Her and she placed a necklace on me as a symbol. Up to that time, I had told Her how important it was, for me anyway, to formalize it. She had felt uncomfortable with it, so i let it go. Then, surprise, surprise, She brought it up when I had no idea She was thinking about it. Now that we have done that, I no longer feel like it is an "on and off again" game for Her. It is concrete now, no ambiguity. And I am content and I believe She is too.

She is now reading some Mama Gena books. She is at the point of figuring out that the last 20 years have been about the kids and Her "wifely" function of standing behind Her man. Now She is finding out that seeking pleasure for Herself is not a selfish, uncaring motive but actually a worthwhile endeavor. When She is happy, She makes everyone around Her happy. She is a happiness magnet. And I am not just talking about immediate family. She can light up a coffee shop of patrons just by Her charisma.

That doesn't mean that every day is "over the top." In fact, most days are mundane. But it is like a screensaver on a computer. It is always running, most times in the background, but it can be brought forward.

I have asked Her if She is happy. She says She is. I asked Her what about our FLR makes Her happy. She said:

1. She loves the intimacy now. We talk alot and I no longer guard what i say, i am genuine, even when it reveals something less than ideal on my part.
2. She loves that i am Her number 1 cheerleader. She loves that i am genuinely happy when She succeeds at something and more so when i was able to help her.
3. She loves that sex now is not a "wifely duty." But one She is in charge. That doesn't mean that we have now unleashed a Tigress that has been dormant all these years. When in the mood, She has always been a Tigress. It just means that it no longer is a burden for Her.

There are more, I can't think of right now. But, net result, we are happy. This is not contrived, She is not faking it just to satisfy me. She is, each day, getting more comfortable in Her position in our Marriage. I wish She would exercise Her authority more, but it is okay, She is doing it now anyway and as time passes, it becomes easier for Her.

So, I do believe that it is possible for any couple to adopt this formally. I would have bet the farm that initially She never would have gone for this. But, all marriages have a game plan of some sort. This is just ours. It works because it values both of us and uses both of our individual talents to strengthen our relationship.

Ours is a success story. I will try and stay more current with the blog.

disappear?

I saw this on someone else blog and amended it slightly, but it is the best description I have seen as to how I feel sometimes.

And things have been stressful, as the windup to the holidays approaches. And we’ve been talking about just getting a hotel room the first day I’m in, ostensibly to make the next baby, but also to get some insanely hot examples of the Five Ps in — you remember, pegging, pleasure, pain, piss and prostration. And with all the stress in my life…

And with all of the stress in my life, I started thinking about what I want sometimes, and what I want is to disappear. I want to stop existing as me, and for a few hours or days just become “Mistress’ pet.” “Slave.” “Toy.” Whatever. I want to lose my name. I want to lose my place. I just want to be something that only exists to please her, to give her whatever she wants. I don’t want to think, unless it’s thinking about how to accomplish her latest order. I don’t want to worry about my needs, or my worries, or my own pleasure. I want to obliterate myself for a few hours and just be an extension of her.

It’s such an intense need, it carries me away. One of the things I need from our scenes is this…this…loss of self. When I get into the right head-space, I look at her and she’s the only thing in the room, she’s tall and powerful and imposing and I get weak in the knees when she crooks her finger at me or commands me in that strong voice that’s so different than the one she uses when we’re in public. She’s a goddess. She’s beautiful and cruel and kind and I don’t matter unless she decides I matter.

I get dizzy just thinking about her like that. The all-powerful light of my life, the bitch-queen-lover-wife-princess-angel. All these things, this bundle of people, and they’re all there in front of me, looking at me with hard and somehow kind eyes, a smile on her lips.

She does this thing: When I’m aroused, my penis is this center, this axis mundi. The feelings from my cock overwhelm the feelings everywhere else. And my wife will reach down and grab the thing with one hand or two hands and just squeeze it, and it’s painful and pleasurable but most of all its her controlling the most sensitive thing on my body. She’s its master. She can hurt it or give it pleasure, whichever she wants.

And that’s what I want — to be overwhelmed. To be taken. To be controlled. She gets pleasure out of spanking me, and so I want her to spank me. She gets pleasure out of making me give her oral, and so I want to be forced to my knees. She gets pleasure out of me fucking her, and so I want to just take her until she tells me to stop. She gets pleasure out of pegging me, so I want to take her cock orally as she calls me her bitch and then let her just turn me over do me. Her, her, her. I want to disappear, I want the scene to be about her. I don’t even want to come, unless she wants me to. I want it to last, I want her to tell me she has this hold on me, I want her to make me confess that She is my Goddess.

I know that a lot of the times, the scene isn’t about her. It’s about us. And I like that too. I like being able to ask for more cock or a different toy being used to hit me or for a clamp to be shifted. I like being able to suggest, humbly and respectfully of course, that she try this or that. But sometimes, this feeling overcomes me and I don’t want to be able to ask anything — I want to be swept the away and not have any say and any input and just be an empty vessel for her to fill with whatever she wants.

And right now I need this. I need her to evince this control over me, to dominate me utterly and completely and for me to not have a name but a diminutive title, like “dog,” “pet,” “bitch,” “whore,” “slave,” or “toy.” I need to not be there except as she wills me to be there — to not have a voice except the voice she gives me — to not have any urges except what she tells me to. This is my ultimate state of submission — to completely annihilate myself while we’re doing this, until my every thought is of her, my ever action is at her command, my every pleasure or pain something she metes out.

I get goofy aroused when I think of this, I get horny and sputtery and strangely calm. I want to wear my collar again, but she has it. I feel like a lost kid when I don’t have my collar. I talked to her about that, and her plans to mark me, and we decided to hold off on the ownership tattoo until June, since I haven’t found a drawing I like of our symbol of my submission — but she’s going to buy me a slender gold chain to wear. It looks nice, very casual, I can wear it underneath my suits, but what it is is my day-collar, my permanent symbol of her ownership. Whenever I need to think of her power — and God, how come whenever I’m like this, whenever I’m in this head-space, I want to capitalize “Her” — I can touch the chain. I’ll be her slave, wearing her collar, all of the time.

She has this hold over me. I tell her about it, and she talks about how it makes her toes tingle and her sex ache to think of me being this obsessed and devoted and humble before her.
Oh, I want to disappear so badly into her. I just want to be her slave. To simply not exist except as an extension of Her. That’s my fondest wish right now. I don’t want anything to be about me, everything about her. I’ll be hers, 24/7 while I’m up there.

been a while

still marching forward, life is complicated right now and tough to stay consistent on the blog. I am trying hard to really try and do things Her way. She is engaged, just not at warp speed like me I suppose. Sometimes makes for frusteration but chalk it up to it being a process.

My Wife, I assume as well as many other Women, were raised to believe that men played the Dominant part. They saw it on tv, in their parents relationship, books, movies, etc. What I am asking my Wife to do is to adjust everything She has been taught over the years and to do a sort of role reversal. I assume that it must be an odd and at times difficult feeling for my Wife to all of a sudden see me as under Her gudiance. I am sure She has asked Herself a thousand times if Her husband really want this, or if She can actually do it.

A Lady said in another forum the following and I would bet my Wife feels the same:
I struggle with the equality thing. I can't understand for the life of my why any of you strong intelligent men would want to give up complete control to the level you do. I used to feel like I was taking away his rights if I took complete control. I have actually just recently (Friday) realized that I am not taking those rights away, he is giving them to me. I can imagine your wife feeling this way as well. That she is taking away part of who you are. Or she is being a hypocrite if she controls you but would not tolerate that towards her.

But, that is not the case, She is not a hypocrite because it is something I want to be treated as, not treat her that way.

It is hard to put into real words the feeling I have for wanting to submit to my wife. This desire I have is very real and runs very deep. I want to be controlled for Her bidding. I want Her to feel free to be harsh with me when I need it. I want to be punished for what I have done wrong and made to correct it. I want Her to be free enough to take pleasure in my submissiveness to Her. To enjoy the fact that I would kneel before her. To know that the things I do for Her, though seem selfish to Her, are not, because I really enjoy both doing and the fact that She can be selfish regarding physcial pleasure. But I also desire to be loved and wanted by Her, and to feel good about the things I do to serve Her. I hope the fact that I want to be viewed and treated this way can somehow make it more palatable to a Woman who has only known the opposite for so many years.

There are times that the submissiveness I feel is very strong. Yesterday, as She was watching tv, I just came in, asked if I could untie Her shoes with lotion in my hand. I sat on the floor and lovingly applied lotion to both feet. My mind was in my fingers, my love was in each rub, flowing through my fingertips. The pleasure of the massage feels good to Her but She does not sense how this submissive act can feel so rewarding to me. Instead of reveling in the pleasure, She started asking me questions about my day. Kind of a, you are doing something nice for me I must do something nice for you, kind of mentality. I would love if She would sense my submissiveness and stroke it with Her dominance during those times. That would be pleasureable for me, not feeling guilty that I am providing pleasure for Her. I told Her later on that the "giving of pleasure" to Her, even erotically, is a gift to me in and of itself. It would be complete if She reveled in it, pushed me into a deeper level of submissiveness, told me how She likes it, that She expects it, that She knows that She is in total authority over me during these times. The verbal is important to me but She has not gotten to the point where it is comfortable yet. She sees an inequality. I am being nice to Her so She must be nice to me. But the converse is true.

The dynamic that is a WLM is complex. At times overwhelming and other times mundane. I guess all men who submit to their Wives long for the firm Dominance of their spouse. I repeat what I have stated in previous posts which is the need for patience. But the need to be led, controlled and submissive is sometimes even greater. Unfortunately I am a jump right in sort of guy. Full bore all the way and that can cause frustration. I will not give up on this though. Not as long as my Wife is at least willing to try to be Dominant. I feel this can be a great life for the both of us.

hmm..

I have come to a milestone. I think a FLR relationship is full of milestones. I have been involved in intelligent discourse here on this board and with my wife for about a month on this whole subject, a submissives "needs and wants."

Here where I am at now.I asked my wife to become the Head of our Relationship, to Lead and I would follow. I told her that I trusted that her instincts were better than mine and that as a team, we would flourish if I relenquished the reins and gave them over to her. By doing that, I have said to her that I trust her, that she will do what is best for me and for us.

Actually, I think of myself as pretty smart to do that. I am not trying to boil it down to a business equation, but I am familiar with that. Namely, if I am engaged in a business that is either just getting by or even floundering, I as a good steward of that business needs to leave ego at the door and put in place new methods that grow the business. Same with me in my relationship. I came to understanding that she would be a better leader than I. Now she has a different leadership style than me, frankly one that is foreign to me...it is more demure, softer. But, that does not mean she does not have the appropriate skills.......just a different delivery method. And if I am reallyserious about the power exchange, I need to just get out of the way and let her lead. Really similar to a US President leaving office. Outgoing Prez may be asked by many his opinion, may even be asked by the current President, but, he says, "hey, I am not the guy anymore, I am under the new Presidents leadership just like the rest of us, you need to talk to him." Most outgoing Presidents have said the same thing.....the best thing I can do is to just get out of the way and let the new guy lead without any distractions from me.

Maybe that is a bad example, but I think the principle is the same. Leading is not easy, especially if you are a woman who has, though agreed, been thrust into a role she has not held, nor maybe even tried to assume. Can she do it, yes, she has the skills. But I think I have been under the assumption that she could get right into the drivers seat and drive just like me. But, if I am a reasonable man, which I think I am, I would not expect that in a business "changing of the guard" so why would I expect that in a relationship.

The key element is that I trust that she will lead us to a better place. It will be different, I knew that early on, but IF I really trust both her, and the system of FLR, then I need to suck it up and do the right thing and just give my leader time to hone her skills without me constantly advising her on what she needs to remember and do.

Having said that, though I am glad she knows my kinks and desires, I am a little ashamed that I have been hammering it home. If I put myself in her shoes, I would have said, back off dude, how in the world can I lead if you are second guessing or "advising" me on every issue.

So, here is the trust issue. It is a conditional trust if I say to her, "I want you to lead but you have to do it my way." Heck, in a business situation I would tell the other party, "sorry, no deal, if you want my input to help out this situation, I will do it only if you back off."

But, .....she loves me, sees that my submissiveness is ingrained in me, understands in her heart that we would flourish with her in the lead, knows she has the skills to succeed, but is cautious at all of a sudden waking up one day and assuming the leadership.

So, "wants vs. needs." Part of the trust is that she will administer them to me in ways that make us better. Does she not want to see me happy? Does she not want to give me my treats? Of course not, she is a good person, she wants to make me happy. But, if I trust her, I need to just be a good soldier and understand that to follow means just that, to follow. And she will value her leadership role and will try to be the best leader she can and that in doing so, it means taking care of her subordinates "needs and wants." Can I put things in a suggestion box for the leader to read? Of course, but my job is to ONLY put it in the suggestion box....end of story. Her job is to read it and act on it if she chooses.

I can tell her about the commonality of different species, the similarity to humans and chimps, cover her up with statistical and empirical data that shows that we are pack animals and need a defined leader. But the difference is that we as humans have ..............opposable thumbs. We are more intelligent than chimps. We have a "free will" that chimps do not. A chimp does that behaviour because he is not capable of any other behaviour.......we as humans make our decisions and they may contradict generel species rules. So accepting a leaderhship role as a human is a choice.....not species rule.

I see so many blogs and such where FLR ran out of steam, bunch of "crybaby guys" saying, "if she would only get it." Being real, real honest....I would not accept a business situation with the those terms, namely, "I will take control but you are going to control how I take control." So, why would I think that she would accept those terms in our relationship........ simply because I presented them to her.

So, if all us guys are going on with the "Women are more superior than men" mantra, then why don't we put our actions with our mouths and give them room to grow without our badgering.

Sorry it was long winded, I am now sounding like a Lady I think, ...but that is not a bad thing,......I think they are really cool!!

Labor Day Weekend

Interesting weekend. Saturday we needed to get pants for son. Off we went. I always enjoy shopping with Her as I now do not force the time issue, realize that just roaming around is fun for Her. But, on a mission for son, so the three of us spend about 45 minutes in mens section finding some nice things for him. When done, we (son and I) think we are headed out. But, She is drawn........like a cosmic force..... to the Womens area. Son gives me "the look!" I tell him we spent time on you lets now spend time on your Mom, shut up and get used to it, it is a lifetime thing. "I need another skirt for work," She proclaims. As a Woman and Mother, it is easier for Her to say "need" instead of "want" because She has spent all Her life sacrificing for the kids and me really. So, framed as a need means that She is not being selfish. Hurdle jumped in Her mind......... on our way.

We get to Womens section and I start hunting with Her. Even son joins in foray. She is at a rack really looking through and I say "let me hold that purse so you can really get in there two fisted!!" She normally, well most times, thinks I am a freak because it pushes a submissive button to carry Her purse. But, She just gave it to me and dove in to the racks. I headed in many directions without Her (purse in hand), different racks, knowing what She wanted. I came back with a few samples and son was hanging with Her and picked out a nice skirt and blouse. After trying them on, decided that outfit son selected was the right choice, and it was, really beautiful, nice color, can be worn with different blouses. lots of adaptability. We spent about the same time looking for Her as we did for son. It was nice, no agenda other than just being helpful. I asked Her if it felt good to Her that the two most important men in Her life were helping Her look for clothes and She just beamed and said, "Yes." I think She felt loved, cherished, special, not just a sexy wife (which She is that too).

Later, She and I actually played Scrabble, She loves it, I am too slow, keep trying to make 75 point words for each play. I got Her to agree to dominante me sexually, including spanking me if I won...........She won, why am I suprised!

Helpmate Hubby has a "What did you do on Labor Day?" thing on his blog. This is what we did on Monday. She loves going to beach, I hate it. Through years we have accomodated. Monday we got it set up that She and the three kids would go to beach and I would stay and prepare dinner for their return. She had been "jonesing" for some grilled chicken. Well I went to store, got chicken and other things and started at it. I do not know why it feels so good for me to be working at doing something She will appreciate while She is actually doing something else that She enjoys. Must be that "working for the Queen" thing. Don't know, just know I felt excited. My place was in the kitchen that day. So, as I do more and more cooking, alas, I get better (I never would have believed it ). So, I start making a side dish and decide to experiment and try some new things. I got real excited to think She, and kids, might like it. Anyway, long story short, they arrive, shower up, I get dinner on table, She comes in, sits at the head of the table and asks where Her drink was (I had it there already, She just overlooked it!!). Dinner served, was a home run, new dish was a hit. Everyone left table and took dishes into kitchen and stacked. We lounged, went on walk, lounged, She was just relaxing, having a great family time, as was I. As kids are older, not too often we are all together at one time for a meal and lounging together. As night wore on, I made way back to kitchen to start cleaning up, kind of just on autopilot. It occurred to me over sink...... that She was still in other room. Our normal way for years would be Her cleaning up, me helping, but Her doing all the work. Now, She is nowhere to be found. It is understood that it is my job and She doesn't even bat an eyelash.

I like doing things that make Her life better. Being an "engaged shopper," helping with meals, cleaning up, they make it easier for Her and I like doing the work for Her. She later said dinner was great and the whole weekend was really nice. I felt ten feet tall.

Interesting FLR Philosophy on another Board.......

A fellow asks.......

Thank you for this post. My wife are in the process of starting up a FLR. She likes to be in control but hates all words and concepts which sound like D/s or S&M. She associates dominance with domineering and does not want to be called dominant or domme. She does not want to be pushed in a format or mould. I would love to have her use her power/control more, but if I suggest that she gets angry and complains that I am pushing her. Which, I cannot deny is true. As a male who is trained to think in concepts I do focus on my understanding of the relationship dynamics. I long that she uses her power more, physical punishments or reminders when She deems necessary and dares to use her sexuality as well to wind me around her finger. I am clueless why many women like to start with FLR but are resistant to take it to the next level. As a former dominant I know how fulfilling and exciting power can be.

A Wise Woman responds......

I did struggle with this idea for the longest time though. What helped me make it click was "Venus on Top" and another book that I was reading on chakras. What these books did was break it down for me into logical terms that I could understand. The final picture that was painted for me was that women and men use their brain differently. Men use action, women use thought. We process differently. Women have the ability to see the grey, while men see the task. In a relationship, there is nothing but grey. It is like a dance. Men see feet moving in a specific pattern, women see the sway of a person's hips, the joy in their step; the soul coming out to show the world all it's glory; the music coming to life. These are skills that make it easier for women to guide and nurture a household. A relationship, any relationship, is about bringing out the best of people. It is about managing people's characteristics so they can experience the most joy in life or deal with the worst tragedies so they can get back to that joy. Is that not the purpose of life: to live it with joy? The ability to do that is what women are raised to do, it is our biological make up to do that. FLR just takes this to a different level. It is the place for people who have that need to be that "primitive" in their life. Boil it down to it's lowest common denominator: Men need tasks to do, it is where they feel the safest/most comfortable and if correction needs to be done, they gladly accept and actually crave it, it fits their "male" psyche. Women need to think, it is where they feel safest/most comfortable. So the woman thinks, gives the man his tasks, corrects or asserts to reaffirm Her leadership and his submission, and all runs smoothly. Because society has pushed this concept so far away from most of us, I feel that men need the hard pushes to over come the hard pushes to not be this way. They need the hard constant reminders that they are safe and living within their comfort zone. Society is harsh on male dominance, so balance has to be met with harsh push to submission. It is done by each Lady's particular brand of Her own dominance, one of "being" dominant, not just "acting" dominant, as well as making the dynamic accountable to the sub in ways he naturally understands and is comfortable with, namely verbal and yes physcial. Balance is the key. For instance, I am not a man, I do not know why pet not only wants me, but needs me to spank him. It took me a long time to understand that he processes things in a different way than I do. But he submits and strives to make my life better in ways that are somewhat foreign to him and natural to me.... and I should also recognize our differences and do the same for him. That doesn't mean that I have to spank him, in fact I really thought I never would. It took quite a while before I actually did (now he wishes I never did!), but understanding that he processes things differently has helped me in becoming more dominant in my own way since I now know he does need it.

interesting thoughts?????

my Beautiful Wife does read "Herbuddy" but hasn't chosen to post anything yet.

things going well!!

We were at store, She need some perfume. As standing in aisle, she sprays one on her arm to smell, puts it up. Does another on other arm, puts it up. Says, "I have ran out of arms to try." I raised my arms quietly as she grabbed another and sprayed on my arm to smell. "Not sure." Grabs another sample, does my other arm. After some time decides. I told Her, "Don't get wrong idea, but I love having your perfume on, it means I can smell you all day." She just kinda looks at me and says, "Okay." What is neat is I think She understands.

When we got home, She wanted me to trim her hair, which I have done for a long time, but......I like to do it naked. On drive home, I inferred that we would need to lock doors for me to trim. But as we arrived, I mentioned to Her that if She did not want me naked, I would do it clothed as I did not want to assume or make Her uncomfortable. She said, "No, you can do it naked." However, as I was surveying her hair, the last stylist She went to actually did layers and I said that I think that maybe She needed to get someone else to do it as I thought it exceeded my skill level and the last thing I wanted to do was mess it up.

She said okay, now it is your turn. She had bought some nair for my back. Don't get wrong idea, I am not a hairy bear or anything but She likes my back to be smooth. So, She started putting the smelly stuff on my back. She then told me to turn around. She had never done my front before but She started applying it on sides to artfully create the old hair between pecs down to groin area strip, but everything else smooth. I felt immediate submission, She was now using me to create something She liked, not just getting it off the back. I felt owned by Her, Her property that She was pruning. It was wonderful.

I wrote the last post about Her being in the chair about 3 weeks ago, hoping She would sometime read it, but, alas, hasn't happened. So I asked if She would like to read the blog to which She said yes. So, I got her the laptop and put it on Her chair to start reading. As She started, I moved around the house checking on kids, locking doors, turning out lights etc. When I returned, She was in Her chair reading. I quietly put on some soft music and just sat down next to Her. She said she wanted lotion and I started putting it on Her legs. I was in front of Her on the floor, She could not see me because the laptop was blocking Her view. She said, "Seems like you have become a good little Femdom fiction writer." I wanted to say, that I wish it wasn't fiction, but held my tongue, just muttered yes. After the lotion, I started softly kissing her legs, from the knee down to foot and back again as She read. This went on for about 30 minutes, She never actually saw me, I was totally Her servant. She called today to say how nice it was that I was kissing her legs while She was reading and that we went to bed without Her thinking She needed to "pay me back" for the kindness. As we were in bed I asked if She were happy with our new FLR. She said it was different but that yes She was happy and wanted it to continue...............Yay!!