Wednesday, April 18, 2007

ruining my image

It has occurred to me, just recently as sometimes I am not too fast, that the intimacy between a couple is so much more real in this type of relationship. Most times, the physical dynamic of a husband and wife is something that is always the big elephant in the room. For over twenty years, I have wondered most minutes of each day, if we were going to have sex. Heck, I'm a guy, so my thought process is.......are we going to have sex.....can we have sex.....what do I need to do to have sex.......what should I say......what do you want to hear.......c'mon, you said we were going to........what do you mean you don't want to..........that's unfair.......etc., etc. No apologies here, just kind of the way we guys are I suppose.

But, now, since restructuring the physical challenge, putting the "elephant" in it's proper perspective, we now make the physical a supporting part of our relationship.....it now supports the emotional element, .....it is no longer a rival to the emotional element. It is tremendously more intimate.

Okay, yes, I am a scuzzy guy, I do want alot of kinks and I would love for her to be as kinky as me (probably not possible!). But, the fact is, though I did in the past, but not without a certain amount of genuineness, she is now truly my friend, my confidant, my support, my lover. I care about who she is as a person, I want to be a help for her to become a better person, I listen like I never have before, I talk more freely than I ever have before, I look forward to seeing her, I like spending time with her, I truly enjoy when she is happy whether I had anything to do with it or not. The difference is that I believe she has thought that of me all along, but, well, I just couldn't get there and frankly, there is alot of time that I let squander because of that.

So, though both are wonderful for sure, I enjoy our intimacy, our closeness, our connection, now more than the sex. Not that I want to do away with the sex, but the closeness is soo good!

P.S. please don't tell anyone, it will ruin my image!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Three Day Weekend

Well, not really. But we did have a nice weekend, it was our anniversary, been over 20 years. On one hand seems like forever, on the other, seems like yesterday. Saturday had a good day, stuff in morning and then the kids were out and about and we had the afternoon and evening by ourselves. Had lazy early dinner around 4 at restaurant. Had some engaged conversation, was good. She says that if she chooses to do it, it should be her way only and I totally agree, she says I must be "topping from the bottom." But she skirts around "formally" taking control, hasn't said that this is now definitely in place. Now I know some of our Lady friends out there will take this opportunity to rake me over the coals, but, to me, I don't know why, but I need it formal. Not a contract or anything, but something clear and undeniable about our roles of her taking the lead and me choosing to follow. For some reason I cannot explain, it is vital to me that it is crystal clear. I can be submissive in whatever way she chooses to frame the dynamic, to not "top" from below, but the formality is so crucial. I asked her if she would consider writing down what she would want if she chose to formally become the leader and share it with me to confirm our roles. I know it sound like I am orchestrating everything, but I don't think I am, well, obviously I guess I am, but only to the formality of things, that's all I need.

Monday, she was off work, we did some things in morning and then had early lunch. We had options of different things after lunch, needed to get back to work but had to run some errands. I suggested a game plan of how to accomplish, she said not lets do it this way. I said okay and we did it her way. When we finally went to bed, we both mentioned how much we enjoyed hanging out together. She let me put lotion on her while she finished watching news. When she turned off news, I offered to do her entire body and she said okay. She laid on her stomach and I lazily put lotion on her entire body and followed up with light kisses from head to toe and back again. I told her that I could do this for another hour but I knew she needed her sleep and I should stop. She said it felt so good I could do it for another hour. I was, for whatever reason, in, probably what I have read as subspace, I was just totally overwhelmed with what I was doing, almost in a zone. Eventually even fell asleep almost on top of her before we woke up and I got up and got under the covers. It was so nice, so intimately close, for both of us.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

still moving along

Still in the midst of a tough month, some big things hanging over our heads, but we do have the important family things going our way. Obviously, last post was written during a real down time.

So, as far as FLR, still a work in progress, but a work nonetheless. And, it seems, we have other things that are in the forefront right this second. We are leaning on each other, there have been moments that tell me she hasn't abandoned the idea, so that is good.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

We've had better weeks

Been really a crappy week. I was out of town for three days but had to make a trip unexpectedly back for a stupid thing that is hanging over my head. She was helpful during that day but the event really sagged me, still does.

Since I got back on Wednesday night, she has been keeping her distance, maybe I am and she is responding in kind, I'm not sure. As far as our relationship dynamic, I came back really sapped and have not started doing all the things that I was doing. But, she has not indicated that it matters to her whether I do or don't anyway. She hasn't asked why I haven't kept up with all the things I have been doing to try and further our relationship. I'm really not sure she cares if I do or don't. All of our FLR stuff to date has been me doing them and since I was, she would have to try and work on her end. But, I suppose, if I am not first at doing it, she will not initiate anything,.... she has not made me accountable for my end of the bargain. I can understand giving me so slack since I have been depressed, but she must think this dynamic of our marriage only is in play when things are going good, that it is dependent on outside forces being in alignment, instead of it being a "lifestyle" during good and bad. When things get bad from the outside world, I tend to want to draw closer, to reinforce more what we are doing together as a couple that strengthens our bond, not less. Right now, the only good thing going is my relationship with her and our family. Business, life pressures are at all time highs. So, she feels cornered and it seems her inclination is to retreat and mine is to get closer. Sometimes, I feel like I am more a part of the problem than the solution with her.

But, in her defense, we have not been in a situation like we are in now. It is really hard. She is numb and I am really, really tired. So, even though I think I have the capacity to keep up with my end of the bargain, which I want to do, even though things are terrible, without her enforcing her role, making me accountable for my service and submission to her, it makes it easy for me to get lazy and I'm not sure she cares. Maybe that is easier for her, it is one less thing she has to worry about, especially since it does have a sexual component. But sometimes I think that really isn't a great litmus test, if when things are bad from the outside world, you abandon your relationship work.

But, I can't really judge her during this time. I am probably overreacting, which I have a habit of doing. Pressure tends to exaggerate and inflate situations, and we are certainly under all time high pressure. So, I guess we are just in a "day to day" mode.